Douchebag of the Week

Y'all. I have some friends who are dating DUDES.

I mean....DUDES.

Pie recently went through this with a 20-something-year-old dude who wore low-slung sweatpants with a popped-collar polo shirt and sunglasses on his forehead after dark. In Seattle. Where we dont have sun anyway.

Then there's Queenie. Who's been seeing this dude for 3 months (or so). And when they hang out, they have a great time. He's super fun and sporty and interesting and thinks she's super fun and interesting. They have fun outings or just fun conversations over dinner, etc.

There are just a couple of problems here:
- They've been seeing each other for 3 months and never has the conversation of "are we exclusive?" come up. When you're in college, or immediately thereafter, that may seem normal. But by the time you are a real adult, you are likely not dating just for fun and want to be in a relationship. And if the guy you're seeing is a real adult (NOTE: age is just a number when it comes to this. more on that later.), he'll be in the same situation. Men are pretty simple: they like what they like. If he likes you and wants to be in a relationship with you, he's not going to let much time go by before he tries to lock you down. Let's take Fritha and Conan for example. Four months after they met, they were dating pretty seriously and he's trying to figure out how to drop the L bomb without freaking her out. Even BF and me - once I realized we were dating, it was not long at all (< 3 months) before we were serious. He was dragging me to his work functions, to meet his friends in other cities, to meet his family in another state. (standard disclaimer: every relationship is different and everybody moves at their own pace, blah blah blah so, you know, whatevs)

- The guy, let's call him Tank, doesnt have a "real job" so he has a weird schedule and lots of time on his hands. Therefore he takes lots of last minute side trips to play golf, go to the beach, go to a wedding. Due to this, his schedule is a little wacky and he isnt really into planning things. Which would be fine, except that it bugs Queenie. She has her ess together and likes to plan things. Case in point: July 2, she texts him to ask if he has July 4th plans and invites him to hang out. He tells her he's not sure he's going to be in town. July 4th was a Wednesday this year. Makes impromptu out-of-town trips a little harder. And yet, still, less than 48 hours before fireworks time, he's not sure he's going to be in town. This is either a blow-off or the lame, flaky truth, but either way, ugh.

- But even the flakiness and lack of scheduling could be overlooked....except.....his preferred communication method is texting. Now, as a general rule, I'm not anti-texting. But it is a limited sort of communication vehicle and needs to be balanced with phone calls, emails, post cards, in-person chats, etc. to have real conversations. Apparently Tank does not agree. He pretty much ONLY texts Queenie. Even after she told him that she would like them to add more in-person time in among the texting, he continues to primarily text her. 


So, Queenie decides this is not the kind of relationship she wants to be in and responds to his text by saying "BTW - I'm kinda over all this texting. LMK if you wanna hang out in person sometime."

She is clearly articulating a communication preference to someone with whom she is going on dates. I support this.

The response,via text of course, effectively clenching his spot as DBOTW: "ok".


Queenie is walking away, head held high. 

The Bachelorette

Ok, y'all know I watch some bad tv. I mean, this isn't news to anyone, right?


So, I'm watching The Bachelorette, starring Emily Maynard in the title role. For those less...attuned....to the reality tv world, here's the brief synopsis:


The Bachelorette gathers up 25 DUDES and puts them in a house and gets them boozed up so we can watch them literally fight over a girl. In this case, Emily. She was one of the girls on The Bachelor, trying to win Brad Womack's heart. She was chosen by him, but they broke up. So now she's turning reality tv once again to find her true love. Right.


Emily has a daughter, with her deceased fiance, a race car driver, who was killed in a plane crash before the daughter was born.


Here's my thoughts on the show so far this season: homegirl be frontin'. She's got all these elaborate questions and scenarios and excuses LINED UP to keep the dudes jumping and dancing. 


She asks them their thoughts on children. She asks for their top ten things they want in a woman. And when they say something like "I want a woman who's kind, faithful, honest, smart, fun, blah, blah, compliment, blah, blah, normal," she says "you didnt say loving family as #1. No rose for you."


Rather than listen to a dude or ask questions to understand his POV, she tells them to "get the F out" of the house. I mean, I know it's dating on reality tv, in a compressed setting and timespan. But still.


She's got all these guys jumping and dancing. Jumping and dancing at arm's length.


I stand by my assertion that homegirl be frontin'.

Douchebag of the Week

Douchebag of the Week

The Belton Belle really has the most interesting stories from the dating battlefield.

Just as a reminder, she dated the guy who dumped her via voicemail while she was boarding a plane to go visit him.

Yeah.

So, once again, the Belton Belle has met a douchebag. She met this guy online and they hit it off, finding lots to talk about and laugh about and enjoying conversation. He lived far away, but they finally met and continued enjoying each other. He moved closer and they spent more time together and it was great. There were a couple of sore spots of sorts that made the Belton Belle hesitant to get into anything too serious with X-Man, but overall, things were good.

Then one day the Belton Belle and X-Man started talking about political views. She shared some of her thoughts and he disagreed. The conversation went something like this:

BB: “I voted for Presidential Candidate A.”

X-Man: “That’s interesting. Tell me more about that. Which of the candidate’s programs or principles did you most identify with?”

BB: “Thanks for asking. I appreciate the candidate’s prioritization of blah blah blah. What do you think of those issues?”

Oh wait. For a second there I thought I was writing about mature, educated people who know how to have an interesting conversation, sharing varying points of view. My bad.

This post is titled Douchebag of the Week because the conversation went more like this:

BB: “I voted for Presidential Candidate A.”

X-Man: “That’s interesting. It’s white girls like you who are ruining this country. In fact, I think the US signed its death certificate when we gave women the right to vote. You women just don’t know your role. You’ve been brainwashed by Hollywood and academia and think that you have rights and stuff. If you crazy feminist nut jobs would stop trying to be like men, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

Blink. Blink.

First of all, what the heck kind of rant is that? Second of all, anyone who’s referred to as “The Belton Belle” is clearly not a feminist nut job. Quite the opposite actually.

Seems to be that X-Man is the nut job here. And also, the douchebag.

Here’s to you, Belton Belle and your classy way of dealing with the douchebag. Bless your heart, you dealt with his nonsense and resisted the urge to trash him all over the internet. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of that for you.

It's a hard-knock life

So The Tad has been trying online dating.

And once again:
http://www.thetad.com/theblog/?p=463

Douchebag of the Week

"I don't know...I don't know my schedule."

Coleslaw offered this weak excuse to Queenie in response to her inquiry of "when are we going to hang out again?"

Queenie and Coleslaw had been hanging out for a while, going to group outings together and really enjoying each other's company (read: making out) and he decided he wanted to take her on a date. So he called and asked her out, made plans and they went out. To dinner. Just the two of them. And had a nice time.

In the weeks that followed, he called her often and invited her to multiple group events, including trivia night, pub crawls, parties, etc. Queenie attended some events and spent time with Coleslaw, but also spent time talking to the other people there. You know, like polite people are supposed to do at a party.

After one such outing, Coleslaw walks Queenie to her car, as she is leaving and they proceed to chat in the parking lot for a while. At which point, Queenie asks "when are we going to go out again?" Generally, I'm in favor of letting the guy do the asking, at least at first, but Queenie's query was not out of line. He'd been continually communicating with her and inviting her to events, but not on a date.

His response, however, earns him title DBOTW. "I dunno...I dont know my schedule." First of all, if you're 25 years old and can't keep your own schedule organized, that's lame. And second of all, if that's an excuse you're giving for not wanting to go out with her again, that's a lame excuse. And thirdly, if he really does have a scheduling issue, there are far better ways to communicate it than the response he gave, which makes him look like a douchebag.

Even if he meant it as a blow-off, a simple “I’m busy this week, but maybe next” would have been better. Of course, honesty is always the best option. He could have simply said “I’m not really into dating; can we just get together and make out sometimes?” Or “I’m really not organized enough to know my schedule, so I don’t make plans.”

This just supports my theory that all 25-year-old dudes should be put in a hole and allowed out ONLY when (if) they prove they can handle it.

An Open Letter to Men Doing Online Dating

Dear Online Daters,

I understand that you have chosen online dating as a way to meet nice girls and are hopeful that it will bring your soul mate into your life. Or at least give you someone to talk to and perhaps make out with. Or it gets your mom off your back about "meeting some nice girl". Or whatever.

Or maybe you selected online dating after meeting nothing but bimbos in bars. It's understandable. You've already tapped the available dating pool or maybe you're new in town. Online dating is a great option.

But let me just share a few tips to help you get through the experience . In addition to basic dating and interpersonal etiquette (like don't get drunk on a first date, don't swear a lot and wear clean clothes) there are some things unique to online dating.

For instance, choose carefully the pictures you post on your profile. Don't post pictures of you wearing a fanny pack and standing beside a Dodge Caliber . Although, as Jazz Hands pointed out, if you are the type of guy who wears fanny packs, then I guess it's good that you posted pictures that reflect who you really are. So maybe what I should say is Don't Wear Fanny Packs.

Also, don't post pictures of yourself without a shirt on. Now if it happens to be a "me and my buddies on the boat, catching fish and having fun" kind of picture and you are all shirtless and wearing sunglasses: fine. But the "I'm alone in my apartment and used the self-timer on my camera to take this photo of me posing without a shirt on" kind of picture is just weird. Even if you have an attractive shirtless upper body. Just weird.

If you have any questions or need additional clarifications about what not to do, let me know. I'm here to help.

Sincerely,
Charlie

1975: Bad Vintage

Wines take on the personality of the year in which its grapes were harvested. The weather of that year, the soil make-up, the presence of bugs and the date of harvest can all affect the end product. If there was a hurricane or infestation or other naturally occuring snafu, that year's crop and corresponding wines will not be good.

I think men are like that.

For some reason, all the men born in 1975 are completely undate-able. I dont know if it's because of the weather that year, the number of full moons, or maybe it was just the Chinese year of the rat, but it's a bad vintage.

To support my theory, I cite the following examples:
1) The guy who lives in a house with 3 other adults (2 of whom are married to each other and have a newborn baby) because he "can't afford" a place on his own. He can, however, afford to buy marijuana and he and his roommates sit around and smoke pot together on a regular basis. Well, except for the female roommate, because she's still breast-feeding.

2) The guy who was completely wonderful and attentive and fun and a great match for me...until he fell off the face of the earth. Calls and emails went unreturned for months until I got a one-line note asking if I'd gone on my Peruvian vacation yet. Recently, he was deported.

3) Bless his heart, the great guy I dated for a while who just wasn't right for me. Spent a lot of time trying to make it work, but we weren't right together. My heart still hurts about that one.

4) The guy who called to dump my friend The Belton Belle while she was getting on a plane to go visit him after he moved states away.

5) The guy who posted an ad on Craig's List looking for "heroin skinny chicks who like cats" to come get lost in his "beefy arms". (No, I didnt reply to the ad...it was posted by a guy I know)

Any questions?

Free At Last! Free At Last!

I FINALLY THREW AWAY THE CUPCAKE BOX!

Don't worry: the cupcakes had all been eaten.

At one point in 2008 I was involved with a guy (heretofore known as DTB) who sent me cupcakes. He was living three time zones away from where I was living and we had the opportunity to be in the same time zone for a special event. DTB had emailed asking if I was attending said event, to which I replied "I don't know...I'll have to check with my boss." At which point, DTB decided to try to persuade me. He sent various music and picture files, jokes, movie quotes and hand-drawn images to attempt to persuade me. Even pictures of baked goods.

Yes, he tried to bribe me with cupcake pictures.

The next day at work, my IT guy comes over with a bakery box full of cupcakes. DTB was now trying to bribe me with actual cupcakes. He lived in another country, three time zones away and found a local bakery to make and deliver cupcakes to my office, with a note reading "This is a bribe!" Which was pretty stinkin' cute.

I didn't really tell people where the cupcakes came from (for a multitude of reasons: I had just broken up with someone else, the story of how I met DTB was a little sketchy, etc.) so I just smiled and enjoyed it.

Once all the cupcakes were gone, I kept the box as a reminder of that fun day. Even long after my involvement with DTB ended, I held on to the box. But after lots of thinking and soul-searching over the Christmas break, I realized that it's time to let go. He turned out not to be the man of my dreams and holding on the cupcake box was just pointless. And kinda gross.

So at 5:20pm today, I threw away the box. I got applause from some co-workers, even a high five. It was a good choice. I feel free.

Citizenship Not Optional

Years ago I drafted a list of things I'm looking for in men I date. Though originally penned when I was about 16, many of the things on that list still hold up. Things like:
"taller than I am", "gainfully employed", "kind", "fun" and other basics.

Fortunately, throughout my dating experience, I've met and dated men who met many of these requirements. And while I'm still single, I've felt pretty confident that my list of requirements was reasonable and thorough.

I was wrong.

There were a few qualifications that I did not think needed to be written down, but apparently, I need to be more specific. I have since updated my list to include "American citizen" as I do not care to get involved with anyone who runs the risk of deportation...again.

Douchebag of the Week

This week's honor is bestowed upon a young man who earned the title a few months ago. But I didnt have a blog then and therefore was not awarding D-bag of the Week honors, therefore, he gets recognized now.

Pie was dating this guy...we'll call him Sparky. And he's a total dude. Former baseball coach, owns a freelance landscape business, wears polo shirts with sweatpants and ballcaps 24/7. You get the picture.

Their first couple of dates were really great; they had a good time, went on interesting outings, seemed to be getting along really well. I met him; he seemed nice.

Then he starts saying things like "I think the climate here is why my freelance landscape business hasnt taken off. Maybe I should move to Arizona" and "I miss coaching, maybe I should get back into that. I should call my buddy who's the coach in New Jersey" and "I dont know if we can get serious about dating since I'm about to move."

All of which Pie really took in stride. She was disappointed that his life wasnt as put together as she had hoped/her life is/one would expect of a 30-something guy but she was ok with it.

Until the day he said "I think about my ex-girlfriend every day. I wonder what she's up to right now."

DON'T SAY THAT! Just don't.

If he thinks about his former gf everyday, he doesnt need to be dating Pie.
And if he's going to stop dating Pie, he needs to tell her that. He does not need to tell someone HE CONTINUES TO DATE that he thinks about another woman everyday.

Therefore, douchebag.