Musings from Singapore: toilets

They tell us that in the northern hemisphere, some things are different than in the southern hemisphere. For example, seasons. In the northern hemisphere, winter is November through February. It is frequently possible that Americans and Canadians (and Russians and Swedes, for that matter) will experience a White Christmas. In fact, it's common enough that Bing Crosby made a hit song AND a movie out of the concept. In Australia, not so much. They have a very warm Christmas because December is in the summer in the southern hemisphere. (It's quite warm in Myrtle Beach at Christmas also, but Aunt Big Cat and I still have to turn the space heater on when we sit on the front porch drinking wine. Not the same.)

Constellations are another thing. The stars you can see from places north of the equator are not the same as the ones you can see from places south of the equator at the same time of year. I dont know a lot of constellations, so I cant give you a lot of examples of this, but I believe it to be true. For example, the Southern Cross is a constellation most often visible in the southern hemisphere and is so commonly seen that it is represented on the Australian flag. You cant see it from Seattle. Also, I know you can see the North Star, the Big Dipper (Ursa Major) and the Little Dipper (Ursa Minor) from the northern hemisphere. Specifically, from Raleigh, NC. I've seen it. And you can see Cassiopeia from New York. I know this because I've seen the movie Serendipity. Like 5 times. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. John Cusack, Jeremy Piven, Kate Beckinsale, Molly Shannon and a pre-S&TC Season 4 John Corbett (read: bad hair Aidan) as Lars, the celebrated oboist or whatever.

Another thing that we're often told is different in northern and southern hemispheres is the toilets. That in the northern hemisphere, they flush counter clockwise and in the southern hemisphere, clockwise. Now, I have been to the southern hemisphere (Peru) and neglected to pay attention to the way the toilets flushed. Probably because I was just glad to be flushing a toilet after 4 days on the Inca Trail....but I digress.

Singapore is basically on the equator. Downtown Singapore is 85 miles north of the equator, at 1 degree north latitude. So if northern toilets flush one way....and southern toilets flush the other....what happens on the equator?!

The toilets don't flush around! They just go....down. The water comes in from both sides and it just goes down. No around. Just down.

And THAT is what happens to toilets on the equator.

You're welcome.

Douchebag of the Week

This week, I'm bestowing the title of "DBOTW" on a group of people. Home Depot.

Baconmeister has been renovating his bathroom for approximately 72 years (real time: 16 weeks). They found a leak in the floor and needed to replace some flooring. Upon pulling up the linoleum, they found that some of the subfloor needed to be replaced as well. Then they decided if they're doing that much, they were just going to take the opportunity to make it the bathroom of their dreams.

Yeah.... So they choose the tile, the vanity, the sink, the mirror, the fixtures and the toilet and begin. By begin, of course I mean, they schedule Harvey to come do the work. So Harvey orders all the materials and tells them the sink is on back-order, the tile is going to have to be cut from a fresh batch and the toilet may or may not be available. But Harvey begins where he can. After 4 weeks, Harvey has installed the vanity and sink and fixtures, but there is still no floor or toilet. Because there's no toilet, there's no water, so the beautiful new sink is not functional.

Harvey begins putting in the floor, but can't finish it until the toilet is installed. Finally the blessed day comes when the toilet is to be delivered. The pallet from Home Depot arrives at the house. Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood begin uncrating the item and discover it's in approximately 18 pieces. They call Home Depot, who agrees to quickly ship a replacement. The replacement is a vast improvement: it arrives in 5 pieces. 13 pieces closer to the goal!

Third time's a charm, at least in this case, as the THIRD toilet arrives intact. Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood call Harvey, who promptly arrives at their home, installs said toilet, finishes the floor, turns on the water and saves Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood from a lifetime of running upstairs to use the bathroom.

That's not the douchebaggy part. The douchebaggy part is that when Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood called Home Depot regarding the two piles of toilet shards they received, Home Depot said "yeah...about that. you'll need to take care of those." Keep in mind, these toilets are on PALLETS and weigh about 90 pounds each. They do not fit in Baconmeister's car. They do not fit in Doc Hollywood's SUV. They cannot be lifted by anything less than 4 men. But even if Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood could lift the piles of porcelain, there's the issue of into what they would be lifted! None of this seems to matter to Home Depot, who insists that the unused, unwanted toilets are not their problem. So Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood are stuck with 90 pounds of unwanted ceramic shards.

And that's why Home Depot wins the Douchebag of the Week award. At least for this week. When Baconmeister and Doc Hollywood decide to use the shattered thrones as lawn ornaments or flower pots, they may earn the title.