Emails I Wish I Could Send

Dear Douchebag,

When you say "I can't give you any information because you work in PR not Marketing" that does not really do anyone any good.

First of all, do you know the difference between PR and marketing?
Second of all, even if the topic being discussed is outside the typical scope of my line of work, there's a reason I'm calling you back. I might be interested in pursuing the thing you proposed.
Third of all, if I'm not actually the person you need to talk to, (because I dont have a big enough budget, because I'm not the right IMC discipline, because I'm not in the right time zone, because I'm a white girl, because I have an accent, because I'm a brunette, because I wear pearls and like to eat fish and chips and drink pink champagne.....whatevs) there's a GOOD chance that I know the person you need to talk to and could influence them, one way or another.

So your refusal to give me information may end up costing you some business. Just thought you'd like to know.

Thanks!
Me

Emails I Wish I Could Send

Dear Interviewer,

If you call and ask me to schedule an interview for you, please get the interviewee's name correct. Otherwise I might be inclined to believe that you are not, in fact, worth our time.

Thanks!
Me

Emails I Wish I Could Send

Dear Whine-O,

Let’s do some math.

You said “but it’ll only take 5 minutes”.

But you want to talk to 10 people about 10 different things, for 5 minutes each.

And in order for that to happen, I have to spend AT LEAST 20 minutes for each of your 5 minutes arranging schedules, making sure things dont overlap and generally “coordinating”.

So, 20 minutes to prepare, plus the 5 minutes you need equals 25 minutes of my time. Times 10. That is 4 hours of my life. I was up until 1:30am doing work last night. I DO NOT have an extra 4 hours for your last minute, whiny request.

Thanks!
Me

Emails I Wish I Could Send

Dear reporter,

Tweeting about how you're disappointed in not getting an email is not a good idea when the person who is sending you that email is following you on Twitter.

Getting passive-aggressively pseudo-called out on the internet is NOT the type of thing that makes me want to email you sooner.

Love,
Me

New feature

My job is sometimes quite ridiculous. And I find myself in situations where I would LOVE to send an email to someone telling him/her EXACTLY what I think of him/her and encouraging them to saunter slowly and leisurely into oncoming traffic. Alas, I do like my job and don't wish to be separated from it for exhibiting inappropriate behavior.

Therefore, I think I shall start a new semi-regular feature on my blog entitled "Emails I Wish I Could Send". I promise that they will all be based in reality, pertaining to a real issue and actually able to be addressed to a specific person/persons. Hyperbole will be kept to a minimum, but serial offenses may be lumped into one response.

I know you're waiting with bated breath....