Emails I Wish I Could Send

Dear Douchebag,

When you say "I can't give you any information because you work in PR not Marketing" that does not really do anyone any good.

First of all, do you know the difference between PR and marketing?
Second of all, even if the topic being discussed is outside the typical scope of my line of work, there's a reason I'm calling you back. I might be interested in pursuing the thing you proposed.
Third of all, if I'm not actually the person you need to talk to, (because I dont have a big enough budget, because I'm not the right IMC discipline, because I'm not in the right time zone, because I'm a white girl, because I have an accent, because I'm a brunette, because I wear pearls and like to eat fish and chips and drink pink champagne.....whatevs) there's a GOOD chance that I know the person you need to talk to and could influence them, one way or another.

So your refusal to give me information may end up costing you some business. Just thought you'd like to know.

Thanks!
Me