Moobs

You know that part in Mean Girls where Janis and Cady and Damian plot their revenge on Regina George? And they layout the three sources of Regina's power? Yeah, it's awesome.

Similar laws are at hand in Queenie's dating life. Coleslaw, her former...uh...associate was found to be fantastic due to his:
High Status arm candy (Queenie)
Technically good physique (Hot Body)
Loyal band of ignorant followers (Army of Skanks)

Well, we know that he and Queenie are no longer associated. By all accounts (ok, according to Facebook), his "ignorant followers" have dwindled, but he is nevertheless surrounded by an "army of skanks", most of whom are barely old enough to buy alcohol and many of whom have fake...stuff, ranging from hair to nails to fibers to....well, whatever.

But the Hot Body, is apparently deteriorating. According to recent reports by a credible source (Queenie) who conducted extensive research (on Facebook), Coleslaw has lately begun sporting moobs. Yes, the fear of men everywhere, the man-boob (moob, chesticle, etc.) has reared its ugly head under Coleslaw's pastel-colored, popped-collar Ralph Lauren polo shirt.

Bless his heart.

Douchebag of the Week

I feel a little wrong giving the award to a chick, but...well...if the shoe fits....

Queenie used to have this friend who's a little, um, unbalanced? I heard about the girl (from Queenie) for years before actually meeting her and in the 15 minute in-person meeting, she solidified everything I had heard (flighty, short attention span, spastic).

This girl invites Queenie to hang out with some other friends (one of whom is Coleslaw) and Queenie has a great time and enjoys spending time with these people. After a few weeks, the douchebaguette gets a little jealous that Coleslaw is paying more attention to Queenie than to her.

This next part is a bit fuzzy, but since this is my blog, you can read my interpretation of the situation.

The girl (let's call her Punky) and Queenie rode together to a party one night. Late in the evening, Punky says to Queenie, "I'm going to try to get Todd to take me home with him*. You need to get a ride home." (take a moment to recognize the multiple layers of tacky in that statement.........ok) When Punky secures the invitation from Todd, Coleslaw (Todd's BF) offers to give Queenie a ride home.

Queenie gets home safely. Punky goes home with Todd. They go pick up her car the next morning.

Fast forward a week or so to Coleslaw laming out....and Queenie wondering why all of a sudden he just doesn't seem that into her anymore.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later to Queenie telling Punky she still doesn't know why Coleslaw lamed out on her. Punky keeps saying “I don’t know! I don’t know why he lamed out! He told me he liked you!”

Fast forward another week or so to Queenie at a party where Sally comes over and says “I think Coleslaw heard something about you from some other people and that’s why he lamed out.”

Turns out that Punky told Todd, who told Coleslaw, who told Jason, who told Sally, that Queenie doesn’t ‘ride kangaroos’. And Coleslaw wanted to be with someone who does ‘ride kangaroos’ so he lamed out. (BTW – clearly marsupial mounting is not the real issue here.)

Queenie is proud of her choice not to ‘ride kangaroos’ but that's not for Punky to tell Todd (to tell Coleslaw, to tell Jason, to tell Sally). That’s for Queenie to talk about as she chooses.

So Queenie asks Punky about it, to which she replies, “What?!?!” And when Queenie says there’s no other way for that news to get out, other than Punky telling Todd, Punky says “I mean…uh…oh…uh…I mean, maybe I said something to him or maybe it slipped out…you know, like if I was drunk or something.”

Queenie tells Punky she's upset about this, but Punky doesn't really understand why. The prevailing theory is that Punky needed some attention and thought that by pointing out that “She doesn’t ‘ride kangaroos’ but I do!” would make her more popular. Queenie feels a little sabotaged and pretty much figures that she can’t trust Punky anymore.

Queenie attempted to move past it and continue her friendship with Punky, but every time Queenie called, Punky wouldn't call back. Even when Queenie called to invite Punky to a birthday thing for a mutual friend, Punky doesn’t call back. Or show up. Punky just keeps getting lamer and lamer.

So Queenie has written off Punky, chalking her up to being a douchebaguette.

*Dear Punky, if you have to talk a guy into hanging out with you, he's just not that into you! There's a movie you should see....oh wait...you already did.

Douchebag of the Week

"I don't know...I don't know my schedule."

Coleslaw offered this weak excuse to Queenie in response to her inquiry of "when are we going to hang out again?"

Queenie and Coleslaw had been hanging out for a while, going to group outings together and really enjoying each other's company (read: making out) and he decided he wanted to take her on a date. So he called and asked her out, made plans and they went out. To dinner. Just the two of them. And had a nice time.

In the weeks that followed, he called her often and invited her to multiple group events, including trivia night, pub crawls, parties, etc. Queenie attended some events and spent time with Coleslaw, but also spent time talking to the other people there. You know, like polite people are supposed to do at a party.

After one such outing, Coleslaw walks Queenie to her car, as she is leaving and they proceed to chat in the parking lot for a while. At which point, Queenie asks "when are we going to go out again?" Generally, I'm in favor of letting the guy do the asking, at least at first, but Queenie's query was not out of line. He'd been continually communicating with her and inviting her to events, but not on a date.

His response, however, earns him title DBOTW. "I dunno...I dont know my schedule." First of all, if you're 25 years old and can't keep your own schedule organized, that's lame. And second of all, if that's an excuse you're giving for not wanting to go out with her again, that's a lame excuse. And thirdly, if he really does have a scheduling issue, there are far better ways to communicate it than the response he gave, which makes him look like a douchebag.

Even if he meant it as a blow-off, a simple “I’m busy this week, but maybe next” would have been better. Of course, honesty is always the best option. He could have simply said “I’m not really into dating; can we just get together and make out sometimes?” Or “I’m really not organized enough to know my schedule, so I don’t make plans.”

This just supports my theory that all 25-year-old dudes should be put in a hole and allowed out ONLY when (if) they prove they can handle it.